Notes from Carol's Funeral by Brother Tom

We began the day as we would any other day with a special occasion. People hurrying to prepare food, shower, and getting dressed up for a party. As we all piled into the cars to head to our destination we spoke softy and slowly began to ready ourselves for what we were about to do. We were heading to the small churchyard near the center of Perstorp, Sweden to say goodbye to our wonderful Carol. The many friends and family members gathered in the gravel parking area in brilliant crisp sunlight. On a tall flagpole hung a Swedish flag at half mast. Tears and hugs were shared as everyone assembled. Gradually we walked over to the small building where the ceremony would take place. Once inside we were able to view the simple blonde wood coffin covered with brightly colored flower arrangements and white ribbons with the names of the well wishers and family members. The room itself was stained shiplap pine wood, with a light brown tile floor and narrow windows above circling the room. A sturdy long oak table near the head of the coffin held flowers, candles, and sculptured glass cross. It seemed such a strange setting to say goodbye to the Carol I knew. Quaint and peaceful but somehow I knew that Carol’s spirit had expanded out into the universe. She was with us but she had blown the roof off this little place. Christopher, a freind who came often to the hospital to deliver fresh juice and give foot massages to Carol, began the funeral by playing his violin. It was a soaring and sorrowful piece that had me transfixed on to one of the roses in an arrangement near the floor. I could see forever into the unfolding petals, and as the music played I could feel once again the spirit of my sister and life that she brought into this world. Even as the tears began to began to well up in the eyes of everyone around I could sense the light that came from my sister was still shining. The service continued with the Funeral director reading the short biography of Carol in Swedish. In fact the whole service was in Swedish. If it weren’t for the music I’m not so sure I would have been able to connect with the moment so well. After a few more moments it was time for Bo to say a few words. He and Maya stood with tears in their eyes and thanked her so many good years wishing for more. He’s wasn’t able to speak but his face said everything Carol needed to know. After they placed their roses on the coffin, my dad stood to say his few words. In my understanding I didn’t think the rest of us would get up to say anything but then it was my mom’s turn and then mine. My mind was firing off in so many different directions. I was stuck in the moment of grief and didn’t know what to say. If I started I could have gone on forever, if could have gotten past the tears. I managed a simple goodbye. If I could have spoken I would have said something like this. “Carol I am so proud to have had a you as my big sister. The lives you touched and the minds you encouraged will have a positive and lasting effect for many generations. Like the rose unfolding before me, and Maya sitting so close, your life, our lives, are part of the continuation of the unbreakable chain. This chain of life, interconnected moments, and existences that cannot be bracketed or isolated into individual lives is what we are. We are the accumulation of what has come before us and we pass on to others and the world through our children and our deeds the knowledge and fruits of our action. You Carol, have passed on so much that we can all admire and aspire to. I hope to be as caring and sharing as you were. You were a guide and friend to so many people. I truly believe you left this world far to early but you left it a much better place and realized so many of your dreams. Carol, I love you and I will always miss you.” Everyone in attendance proceeded to come up to the coffin and give their thanks and prayers to Carol. Bo’s family, neighbors, co-workers, and friends from Peru, Poland, and Iraq all stood to say good-bye. The touching ceremony closed with the singing of “You are my Sunshine”. This was a song a favorite sung by Maya and her mother. Maya once in the hospital sang this song to her mom and included a verse of her own. “Sunshine, My only sunshine, You make me happy when skies are grey, You never know dear how much I love you, Please don’t take my Mommy away.” After the saying good-bye we all relocated to Carol and Bo’s home for some food and to share stories and look at pictures of Carol. The shouts of children always reminding us that there is so much to live for, and that through all the pain and suffering life goes on, as it always will. With every laugh, cry, or need we are snapped back into the present, not being able to bring Carol back. We do not come into this life wanting to experience these moments of loss and pain, but we learn that this is something that we must accept in order to appreciate all that we have and are blessed to have experienced in our lives. Carol was certainly not short on enthusiasm for life, and we will all learn to do the same again. The next day we planted a magnolia tree in Carol’s honor just outside the dinning room window in the front yard. Soon after we drove ourselves over to the Memory Garden, where Carol’s ashes will be placed, to view all the flowers that had been displayed at the ceremony. We were very moved by all the sentiments and the kind gestures that were displayed. Carol was an amazing person and she attracted amazing people into her life. We are filled with gratitude to all the kindness that has surrounded us the past few weeks. Every kind word, every gesture every thought has made this circumstance much easier to handle and confront. Love to you all. Thank you for being here and showing so much love for Carol. Tom Doughty